At our Mentor Workshop this past Sunday, a certain situation with one couple was the highlight of some spirited debate. This debate is TO BE CONTINUED, as we ask each Mentor on our team to take this situation to prayer, as we come back in one month to discuss a plan for us to work together with Pastors on just this very subject, one that we think we will be seeing more and more of. Please read the story below.
Jack & Jill, (as we will name them) came to us in these past few months via our local church. They are engaged and desiring to marry in just a few short months. A date has been picked and wedding plans are well on their way when we first meet with them. The groom-to-be leaves for deployment with the Armed services 60 days after we get their information and doesn’t return until two weeks before the wedding date. So, in their case, we have a lot of sessions to cover in a short amount of time. Our church had not even had time to meet with them before our ministry kicked in to full speed ahead.
Jack & Jill currently live together and are not hiding the fact. We (my husband and I) believe that today’s culture and Hollywood, lead most people to just believe that it is a way of life these days. Most think it’s a way of life for all people, including Christians. We, on the other hand are very clear about what Scripture states about keeping pure before the wedding. We have all of our couples study a section in our premarital book about purity. We have them sign a purity covenant at the time that it is understood and they are ready to accept it. We use several scriptures to plead God’s case for purity; 1Thessalonians 4:3-8, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Acts 24:16, 2 Timothy 2:22, Exodus 20:14, Ephesians 1:4, 1 Peter 1:14-16 to name a few.
Back specifically to the case of Jack & Jill…
Jack and Jill filled out a Groundwork deck of information before they met with us. Both checked, “Sort of certain,” in the box under the question, “How sure are you that you are going to Heaven when you die?” The choices were; Absolutely Certain, Sort of Certain, Not Certain at all. We feel very confident that in the first couple of sessions in which we met with them, that we were able to secure their understanding of the Gospel by taking them through “The Four Spiritual Laws,” as written in the back of our premarital book, Preparing For Marriage. In fact we believe that this was very new information for Jack and that during this time he did accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior. Jill had known Jesus as a child, but had slipped away from her faith, and was concerned that she would not be forgiven.
One of our Coach couples helped do two of the Sessions with Jack & Jill. It is our hope that this coach couple would Mentor this couple for the one-year period after marriage. This is part of the second part of the Marriage Mentoring program that we have established at our local church. It is this Coach couple’s view that we are rushing Jack & Jill through the program and condoning their sin of living together. My husband I feel that given the time frame we had to work with, that we are rushing it through for the date of the wedding’s sake. It is not our suggested way to do Premarital Coaching.
At this point Jack & Jill had not met with one of the Pastor’s that would be marrying them. Pastors at our church will marry equally yoked couple’s only. That would be two professing Christians or two non-Christians, but not one of each. When the pastor marrying Jack & Jill met with them, he felt confident that they both had accepted Christ as their Savior. He also suggested that for the two weeks after Jack returns from deployment, that one of them should move out and live with a friend.
My questions to you are: How do you feel about couples living together? Should our Pastors not marry them? Should we shun them? Or should we hide our heads in the sand?
We look at it very simply. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? He would probably agree with their sin, and tell them to “GO AND SIN NO MORE.” But, would Jesus want us to judge them if they continue in their sin? I say, not my place. My place is to love them unconditionally, point them to the truth and allow God to work in their life. This allows us to keep an open bridge to our local church with them.
My husband firmly believes that had we turned them away, they would not be on the path to growing more Christlike today. They are hoping to stay pure until the wedding, but are open to say it's been a struggle... DUH. However, we would like to love them first, while pointing out the complications of not being above reproach and that they are lowering their percentage of staying together and not divorcing by 50%, meaning that they have a 25% chance of NOT divorcing according to cohabitating.org
So, we stopped the conversation to say, one; we would pray together about what to do, how to respond, and two; how to approach our Local Church Pastors with the loop holes they are leaving, etc. We don't have to stand before God and marry them, but we are accountable to what the local church requires. We are reminded that this has been a process of perfecting as before this ministry this specific church had no premarital program. Each Pastor did their own Premarital Counseling with the couples they would marry. Many times this would be two sessions or less.
3 comments:
I agree with loving them and not judging them, and pointing them in the right direction. We should drop our stones all together about the couple and the how they fell through the loop holes because of the Pastors. We should go the extra mile with all of the couples we touch, especially this Jack and Jill couple. Worst case scenario, even if when they get back together two weeks before the wedding and live together and have intercourse we should still marry them. They are new Christians and may not have the passions or convictions of a seasoned believer. We should be like Christ full of love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. We should tell them every time they come back to GO AND SIN NO MORE (7*7 = infinity). Even as a seasoned believer will have our sins that keep getting in our way. Now the chance of them getting divorced may be higher because of this, but with our marriage program, prayer, and the power of Jesus we can get them through the valley. There is nobody at fault here, not even the Pastors, and again we should drop our stones. I know we are all not perfect enough to throw stones. We just need to pull together and work on a plan the unites the marriage program with the Pastors. The Pastors should know and feel confident that this marriage ministry will provide the building blocks and proving grounds to see if a couple should be married. The marriage ministry is a great tool and avenue for all to meet Christ and his bride the Church. What a great way to either introduce someone(s) to Christ and the gift of salvation or reaffirm and strengthen a child of God's salvation.
As for couples who live together pre-maritally of course I don't think that is wise. We should do everything possible, in love, to get the couples wisdom, understanding, and the right conviction about living together. We should also provide them away out, going that extra mile, and giving them a place to stay at our own houses if they can not find separate places to live on their own. If we don't offer them a temporary place to live until they are married, then we are just as guilty as they are for living together.
I, too agree with Michael, we must love them where they are at, but I also believe that Jesus would not marry the two. I don't think Jesus could do such a thing to His Father. Of course, Christ would truly know their hearts; something we will never be able to do, but I think marrying this couple, knowing they were living together, after we (the pastor and marriage mentors) discussed the sin with them, would be making a mockery of the institution of marriage, as seen in God's eyes. We must not let the pressures of our culture lead us to become laxed in our principles. This couple may have slipped through the cracks, but let's make this the exception, not the ever increasing norm. I as a pastor would need to ask the Lord for strength to discuss my views with the couple, and tell them exactly how I feel about preforming the wedding, and that I truly pray that God will bless their marriage, but I did not feel totally comfortable about marrying them. Lovingly explain to them that we each need to deal with the situation, (the pastor about performing the marriage, and the couple about living together before marriage) privately with God and our conscience. It's TOUGH to stand up to our Christian principles sometimes. May the Holy Spirit whom God so lovingly gave us, strengthen us to stand firm.
I am in agreement with Michael and Deb on loving them unconditionally and not throwing stones at them [judging them]. It's not our place, as Denise said. We are servants of our Lord and have been placed in this ministry to help, advise, and lead others to success, not failure. Living together and admitting it to the church tells me they are infants on the road of believing. God has placed them in our hands. It's not a coicidence they came to Brookside! We are lead to guide them into maturing as Christians. It is our duty and we'd be letting God down if we didn't. In our Marriage Mentoring, my husband and I have had 2 couples who lived together before marriage. The first one had a very similar story as J&J. The first year was "extremely" rocky and we feel [as they do now] that if it hadn't been for our counseling and leading, they would have failed and ended their marriage. We will not turn our backs on those in need and these couples are definitely in need and don't realize it now. Jesus ate dinner with prostitutes and tax colletctors gently role modeling and leading them down the right road. We are to do the same letting them know what they are doing is wrong and help them change their ways. ASAP, Connie Lusk
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